‘You and me got a whole lot of history’: Liam Payne’s impact on a former Directioner

Once in a lifetime loss

Mourning a celebrity's death can stir up profound grief, especially when their music shaped the soundtrack to my life.

Former One Direction member Liam Payne died on Wednesday, Oct. 16 after falling from his hotel balcony in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

A few weeks before Payne’s death he attended former bandmate Niall Horan’s concert at the Movistar Arena in Buenos Aires. After the show, Payne and Horan posed for a photo together that was later posted to Payne’s Snapchat story captioned “Reunited.”

Payne rose to stardom in 2010 after auditioning for the X-Factor (UK). Although he was eliminated from the competition, Simon Cowell chose to form a band including Payne and 4 other contestants, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles, and Zayn Malik.

The band quickly rose to fame even after getting third place in the competition. After recording five albums together over the span of five years, the band decided to go on a break in 2016. This break led to the launch of each member’s solo career with no talk of a reunion in the future.

Payne began his solo career by releasing his first single ‘Strip That Down’ in 2017, which has now gained over one billion plays on Spotify. However, Payne’s solo career never reached that of One Direction fame or other members’ success even after releasing his only solo album in 2019.

Over the past few years, Payne had been open about his struggles with addiction. Last year in a video posted on his YouTube channel, he revealed he spent some time in rehab and said “I kind of became someone who I didn’t really recognize anymore.”

In an interview earlier this month, his former fiance Maya Henry claimed she was receiving continuous contact from him, hinting at the fact he was unwell.

In addition, Payne’s current girlfriend Kate Cassidy flew home a few days prior to his death, leaving him alone at his hotel.

The hotel staff made a call to emergency services requesting assistance because Payne was causing a disturbance. According to CNN, staff was concerned for his safety especially considering he had a balcony in his room. “We’re a little afraid that he’ll do something.” the hotel manager said.

According to ABC News, the current toxicology report shows that Payne had multiple drugs in his system including “"pink cocaine" – a recreational drug that typically is a mix of several drugs including methamphetamine, ketamine, MDMA and others – as well as cocaine, benzodiazepine and crack.”

The investigation is still ongoing and the circumstances leading up to the incident remain unclear.

The reaction of a Directioner

Upon hearing this news I was frozen in disbelief. I first discovered the news after scrolling through TikTok, seeing a post with no likes or comments that had a screenshot of an article saying “Liam Payne dead at 31.” I thought to myself that there was no way this was real, it’s just another “fake news” video trying to grab people’s attention.

To make sure the news was fake I Googled his name and saw a TMZ article. I was fortunate enough not to see the graphic photos they published of the crime scene.

Soon enough, more articles started to roll in, friends began to text me, and my heart began to sink.

Payne’s death forced a reminiscence on the five short golden years of One Direction. But following this came the realization that nothing will ever resemble those years again.

Pieces of my “One Direction Infection” have remained in my life since I discovered the band in 2013. Many Christmases and birthdays were filled with memories surrounding them.

I first saw One Direction in 2014 when they came to The Dome in St. Louis for their Where We Are world tour. Because I was so young, I didn’t have anything to record moments from the show but I still remember the rush of excitement I had once they took the stage.

In 2015 my parents took me to Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis to see them on their On the Road Again world tour. Though I had seen them the year prior, my dad knew the band wouldn’t be around forever. I have so many fond memories from that trip including my mom and I almost being run over by the band’s fruit delivery on a golf cart, getting to hear the band premiere ‘Drag Me Down’ live for the first time and my dad getting to talk to One Direction’s roadies staying at our hotel.

Even after the band separated in 2016, I was still able to follow each member through their own journeys of becoming solo artists. Though some members were more successful than others, I was still able to see the boys climb the charts individually.

As solo artists, I was able to see three of the boys live, Niall twice, Louis once and Harry once.

I know I’m not as obsessed with the band as I once was in my youth but there are remnants of that girl in my life today. Posters of the band still hang in my room, their music is still in my library, and their perfumes are still on my shelf.

I am incredibly thankful I was able to grow up alongside One Direction while they took the world by storm.

Liam’s impact will forever live on in the music industry but he will also remain a part of my youth that I will cling to for the rest of my life.

To hear some of my personal favorite One Direction songs from over the years, check out my playlist on Spotify.